by David Ruybalid

Thoughts About Healing, Identity Recovery, and Finding Freedom After Leaving a Controlling or Abusive Church

I was 17 when I walked away from the church I was raised in. I didn’t leave because I stopped loving God. I left because I couldn’t stay in a system that was clearly harming people. I grew up in a world shaped by Fundamentalist theology: rigid, rule-heavy, and deeply controlling. On the surface, it looked like holiness: clean-cut families, bold preaching, strong convictions. But beneath that polished exterior, I saw something much darker. There was spiritual manipulation, emotional control, authoritarian leadership, and both emotional and sexual abuse.

At the time, I didn’t have the language to name what I was experiencing. I just knew something wasn’t right. It wasn’t until nearly two decades later, when documentaries from Amazon and Max exposed the movement I was raised in, that it finally hit me: this wasn’t just unhealthy. It was cultish. Looking back, it’s obvious. But leaving at 17 felt anything but simple. It was painful, confusing, and costly, but it was the first step toward freedom.

Leaving a cult or cult-like Christian community is often far more complex than simply walking away. For many, it’s not just the loss of a church or a group; it can feel like the unraveling of an entire identity. What seemed like a faith community may have actually functioned as a system of control, manipulation, and coercion. Once outside, former members often find themselves navigating a confusing and painful terrain filled with emotional, psychological, and spiritual challenges.

This article explores some of the most common, and often misunderstood, hurdles faced by those who have exited high-control religious environments. Whether you're on this journey yourself or walking alongside someone who is, understanding these challenges is an important step toward healing.

1. Identity Crisis

Cults and cult-like Christian communities tend to shape not only what members believe, but who they believe they are. From how to dress and speak, to how to think and vote, these environments often dictate every aspect of life in the name of spiritual obedience. When someone leaves, they often realize that their personality, preferences, and opinions were shaped more by group conformity than by personal conviction.

This can lead to a deep identity crisis. Who am I if I’m not who they told me to be? What do I believe? What do I enjoy? What do I want? It’s both terrifying and liberating to begin exploring your own voice, needs, and desires outside of the community’s expectations. This journey of rediscovery is necessary, but it rarely comes easily or quickly.

2. Emotional Turmoil

Leaving a high-control religious group can stir up a storm of emotions: grief over lost years, anger at being deceived, fear of eternal punishment, shame for having believed or participated, and confusion about what is true.

Many individuals experience what psychologists call complex grief: a mix of mourning not only relationships and community, but also the self they might have been if they hadn’t joined. There may be betrayal trauma if trusted leaders manipulated or harmed them. Others may feel haunted by teachings about divine wrath, leading to religious OCD, anxiety, or depression.

These emotions are valid. They do not mean someone is “backsliding” or “under attack”; they mean they’re human and beginning the work of healing.

3. Social Isolation

Cults and authoritarian religious groups often build themselves around an insular, “us vs. them” worldview. Growing up, this message was applied not only to outside culture but also to other churches that we judged as less holy than our own.

Members are often discouraged or forbidden from forming relationships outside the group, and outsiders are often portrayed as dangerous or deceived.

When someone leaves, they’re not just leaving a belief system; they may be cut off from their entire social network. Sometimes that community talks about those who leave as if they’re condemned to hell simply for walking away. Family members may shun them. Lifelong friends may disappear overnight. Holidays, birthdays, and church services become lonely rather than communal.

This isolation can be disorienting and painful. Building new friendships, especially ones that don’t come with strings attached, can feel overwhelming. But connection, especially with others who understand, is one of the most vital components of recovery.

4. Cognitive Dissonance

After leaving, many former members struggle to reconcile the beliefs they once held with the perspectives they now encounter. They may look back and wonder, “How did I believe that?” or “Was it all a lie?” Even when their minds have embraced new beliefs, their bodies and whole selves can still carry the imprint of doctrines that were toxic and controlling.

This internal conflict, known as cognitive dissonance, can create significant mental and emotional distress. It can feel like the ground beneath them is constantly shifting. Some may even cling to parts of the old belief system out of fear or habit, even as other parts crumble.

Healing involves learning to tolerate uncertainty, ask hard questions, and give oneself permission to change and grow. In these situations, deconstruction isn’t a sign of failure; it’s often the first honest step toward a more authentic and meaningful faith.

5. Recovery from Indoctrination

Many cults and controlling churches use subtle and overt forms of thought reform to control their members. This can include fear-based preaching, shame cycles, confession rituals, information control, group surveillance, and gaslighting.

Leaving such an environment doesn’t mean those effects instantly vanish. Former members often need time to deprogram: to recognize manipulation for what it was, to reclaim autonomy over their thoughts and choices, and to learn how to think critically without guilt.

This becomes about learning to choose your beliefs in freedom, rather than from coercion.

6. Loss of Purpose

Cults and authoritarian religious groups are often very good at offering people a sense of meaning and purpose. Members may feel like they are part of a chosen remnant, saving the world, preparing for the end times, or fulfilling a divine destiny. This sense of cosmic importance can be intoxicating.

Upon leaving, the loss of that purpose, something they often tied their identity to, can leave people feeling lost. What once felt like a life full of mission may suddenly feel directionless or flat.

But this is also where real, grounded purpose can begin to emerge. When people are free from manipulation, they can explore what brings them joy, what kind of world they want to help create, and how they want to contribute on their own terms.

7. Rebuilding Trust

Perhaps one of the most lasting wounds from leaving a cult or cult-like group is the loss of trust. Leaders who claimed spiritual authority, and a calling from God, turned out to be manipulative or abusive. Friendships were conditional. Spiritual language was used to control and shame.

This betrayal can make it hard to trust others, and just as hard to trust oneself. Many survivors second-guess their instincts or fear being deceived again.

Healing involves rebuilding that inner compass. It means learning to trust your gut, set boundaries, and discern safe people from unsafe ones. Trust becomes a muscle that is rebuilt, one relationship at a time.

The Long Road of Healing

The path out of a high-control religious environment is not simple or linear. It often involves grief, anger, confusion, courage, and rebuilding. But it is also a path toward freedom, authenticity, and deeper connection, with oneself, with others, and potentially even with a renewed vision of faith.

If you're on that path, you're not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re recovering from a form of spiritual and psychological abuse. With time, support, and compassion, you can reclaim your voice, your story, and your life.

David Ruybalid is a co-founder of the Religious Trauma Network.

Originally posted at davidruybalid.substack.com.

This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition. David is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly individual observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.

Rebuilding Faith: Overcoming Challenges After Leaving a Cult or High-Control Christian Community