What I Wish People Knew
by Amy Hartman
Hello and welcome back! In my first article, we took a stroll down memory lane for you to learn about some specific instances that happened to me during my lengthy experience with clergy and religious abuse and trauma. I shared personal ways that I am regaining my voice.
As I walk this winding pathway of healing, I spend time taking care of my emotional and mental health and well-being…something I was told was not legitimate, did not deserve, and involved people who could not be trusted. As I am doing so, I am discovering things about myself and my journey that I wish other people could better understand.
Do you ever wish people understood your unique situation? It can be so challenging when we feel like something is hard to describe, when we fear rejection, or when we have a hard time expressing our feelings. I decided to take some time to share ten top realities I have learned about myself that I really wish people knew. My hope is that these concepts resonate with other survivors and give them language to use in their interactions with others.
I overcome many triggers every day. From struggling through phrases connected to my abuse to wincing when I read sensational headlines to being struck speechless in a group of friends, navigating through a day can be very challenging. Every element of my life was impacted by trauma, so every element of a day can be very difficult.
I need courage to do the easy things. They stole my autonomy and my voice: “We know best,” “Tell us all,” “You are condemned,” “You are a dumb sheep…” and the list goes on. For me, courage looks like sharing my opinion when it is not popular. It is saying “no” to something as innocent as another helping of food. It is choosing to worry less about what someone else thinks than how my mental health will be impacted.
Social settings can be difficult. They created and controlled social interactions, professional work, personal lives and schedules. They determined where to go and tried to keep everything in our lives connected to their mission and their location. I had to redefine my life when I left. I have had to learn how to connect, interact, and socialize in a productive manner. I have made great strides, but it is still a daily process.
Anything religious is just plain hard. They twisted scriptures, stood between us and God, and put the onus on us for positive outcomes at every turn. The songs and the scriptures and the phrases stir up terrible threats and abuses. I may be open to a religious conversation one day…and the next day opt not to do so. Seeking an unadulterated version of God is a challenge I am willing to take on every day.
I am not broken. My situation was more extreme than you will ever know. The senseless commands, the veiled threats, the unrealistic expectations...they made me ill for so long. Now, I spend a lot of time caring for myself so I can be well for others. My heart heals as I connect with beautiful people, places, and ideas that enrich my life. My soul heals as I release the trauma of unfulfilled dreams, a damaged psyche, lost time, and false beliefs.
My intuition is very strong. They made me doubt myself when I heard their lies, their gossip, and their treatment of others. I had to sense and observe and listen and work hard to understand that the healthy environment I had been told I was in…was actually destroying me. My life history makes me wary and cautious until I know a person’s true motives. If I sense hesitancy regarding a person or a situation, chances are my intuition has told me there is possible unsafety ahead. I am learning to listen to my healthy inner voice.
I desperately want you to understand what I have faced. In spite of the misplaced guilt and shame I still fight, I want you to know why life can be hard for me. I want you to know the fears I faced, the rules I had to follow, and the accusations that were leveled at me. I want you to comprehend the tension I felt, the commitments I felt obligated to make, and the refrains I heard. My body trapped so much pain. I pushed aside everyone and everything to remain in good graces with the powerful men, and I heard, “You can never tell anyone” and being told I could never leave. I have overcome a level of desperation I cannot describe! A wise man taught me that I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
I am learning to trust and respect my thoughts and my feelings. Their feelings superseded mine. They were the “anointed of God.” I had no voice. “Feelings are lies, feelings are bad, and feelings should be overridden by faith”…all of these were pounded into my mind and heart. But now my feelings matter!! I can feel and talk and share and love and think. I can validate the emotions others feel when they are struggling, which opens up a world of possibility in my work with them.
Because I was rejected by those whom I thought loved me most, I fear your rejecting me too. I may appear to overreact, overcommunicate, or check in often. I am learning not to spend time worrying that I will be rejected. I am reminding myself that those who truly love me will love me regardless of my struggles or imperfections, as I do for them.
My good heart is what makes me vulnerable. It is also what makes me special. I have learned that being vulnerable is a strength. When people try to take advantage of me now, I know my rights and my ability to push back, voice my concerns, or propose another idea. Yes, being a tenderhearted person is always a risk, but it also helps me connect well with others in their pain and heartache.
I appreciate your taking the time to better understand me via my top ten realities. And I hope you are able to consider what YOUR top ten realities may be…because we all have truths about ourselves the world needs to know!
About the Guest Author:
Amy Hartman is a survivor of over 3 decades of spiritual abuse and over 2 decades of clergy abuse. Having walked out of a high-control religious system disguised as a church, she has a passion for telling her story in order to connect with and inspire others to find their own way. She serves her community in her volunteer work and in her occupation as an Ombuds. She practices the tenets of transformative mediation in an effort to help parties find and use their voices – something she was not free to do for so long.
Disclaimer:
The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in guest blog posts are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the positions of the Religious Trauma Network. We recognize that each person’s healing journey is unique, personal, and courageous. The stories shared here belong solely to the contributors, and their experiences, perspectives, and advice may not apply to everyone. We encourage readers to honor their own paths and seek professional support as needed.