Learning to Tell Your Story
by Michelle Moseley
Telling your story after experiencing religious harm can feel nearly impossible. Where do you start? How do you not overwhelm yourself or others as you’re sharing? Who deserves to have the privilege of hearing your story?
Why is Sharing Your Story Difficult?
Religious trauma includes being harmed within relationships - relationships with leaders, with other church members, and in your relationship with God. This relational harm is one of the reasons that sharing your story can be difficult - how do you trust others when those you trusted have harmed you?
The difficulty of sharing your story can also be impacted by any of the following:
EXPECTATIONS PLACED ON YOU AS A CHILD.
If you grew up in a high-control religious environment, there were likely clear expectations for your behavior as a child. You may have been told that children “should be seen and not heard” or you may have been punished for being curious or asking questions. You learned to be quiet and compliant in an effort to receive love and acceptance. When your voice has been shut down since childhood, it can be nearly impossible to find a way to share your story.
GENDER-BASED EXPECTATIONS.
Religious groups often have rigid expectations of people based on gender. These expectations can include rules about what kind of behavior is acceptable, as well as restrictions around the roles that a person is allowed to have. Men are often told they must be “strong” and take on leadership. Full emotional expression may be seen as “weakness.” How can you share your story if you’re not allowed to fully experience it? The expectations for women often include being told to be “submissive” and play a supporting role to the men in leadership. Women are often praised for having a “quiet spirit” or reprimanded for speaking up. It’s hard to tell your story when you’re not given freedom to use your voice. Folks who don’t fit neatly within this gender binary are often dismissed as confused or non-existent, not even having an opportunity to own their story.
FOCUS ON A “BIGGER STORY.”
A common theme in churches or religious groups is the idea of a “bigger story” - the story of creation, of how humans came to be, of God’s purpose and plan for the world. You may have been part of a group where the “bigger story” was regularly told or where parts of it were emphasized on a daily basis. You may have learned that this “bigger story” was the only one that really mattered. So, in contrast, your own story feels small, insignificant, and not worthy of being told.
EXPERIENCES OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE.
Spiritual abuse happens when someone misuses or abuses their power in a spiritual setting. This can include spiritual gaslighting - being told that your experience was not real or that it is part of God’s plan for you. Spiritual abuse also frequently includes minimizing the harm you have experienced. When your experience has been denied or minimized, it can be hard to understand and share your story.
FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES.
You may find it difficult to tell your story because you are uncertain about the possible consequences. Some religious belief systems include warnings about punishment - both in your current life and in eternity - for questioning beliefs or leaving the faith. You may have seen the response that others received when they shared their own experiences of harm or of faith deconstruction. It’s not uncommon for individuals to not be believed or to even be removed from their faith community when they acknowledge the harm they have experienced. These very real consequences can make it difficult to share your story.
PAST EXPERIENCES OF REJECTION.
Every time we, as humans, experience rejection it can register as a warning to not take additional risks. Some folks have had occurrences where telling a trusted church leader about their experience of spiritual abuse or religious harm was met with rejection. This rejection may include brushing off the information as untruthful or “not a big deal.” Rejection can also include dismissal or exclusion of the person from the faith community or from certain roles within the group. Rejection is painful, sometimes even resulting in a physical reaction. If you have had past experiences of having your story or your being rejected, it makes sense that it would be difficult to share your story again.
How Do You Find Your Voice?
Experiencing any of the things listed above can make it difficult to tell your story. Many folks who have been part of high-control religious systems are fearful at the idea of speaking out or sharing their experience. This may be you.
When you have been told your role is to be quiet and compliant, or have had your experience minimized or denied, your nervous system reacts. You may find yourself feeling shut down or frozen, or working hard to comply with the group’s expectations. You don’t have a chance to find your voice or to share your story. How can you respond to your nervous system and find the power of your voice?
Finding Safety
Religious harm causes dysregulation in your nervous system. Your brain and body are working hard to help you survive the situation. This can lead to the reactions often known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Whether you’re feeling unable to move, searching for any way to leave the situation, or finding yourself focused on pleasing others, the ultimate goal of your nervous system is to find safety.
Finding safety - both physically and emotionally - is the first step to finding your voice. This may mean you literally need to remove yourself from a group or community. Finding safety also includes feeling safe in your own mind and body. This can include taking deep breaths, using your senses to confirm that your current situation is safe from harm, and engaging in therapy with a licensed mental health professional who understands religious harm.
Before you can find your voice and share your story, your nervous system has to complete the stress cycle and recognize that safety is present.
Exploring Your Story in Therapy
Working with a trauma-responsive therapist who understands the complexities of religious harm can be an important part of finding your voice. Once you are able to experience safety and your nervous system is no longer focused on survival, Narrative Therapy may be a helpful form of therapy. Narrative Therapy can help in understanding and telling your story as you explore the narratives you were given (by the church) about yourself, others, and the world. This can be helpful in unpacking your experience and determining what parts of your story feel helpful to you moving forward.
Building Trust with Others
Religious harm happens in relationships and erodes your ability to trust others. You may also have trouble trusting yourself depending on the specific harm you experienced. One aspect of finding your voice and sharing your story is to build trust with others. This must happen slowly.
Your religious group may have encouraged immediate trust with other group members - advising you to share every detail of your life or to confess private things within the group.
Rebuilding trust does not mean having no privacy. You are not required to share private thing immediately, nor are you expected to share everything with anyone.
Finding your voice often starts with slowly opening up to someone who has proven trustworthy in some way. Perhaps they show up when they say they will or you’ve witnessed them handle another person’s story with kindness and respect. You may choose to share a small tidbit about you or a brief mention of your experience and notice how they react. In rebuilding trust, you get to choose who you share with and how much you share. You get to learn that you can be honest and authentic while also being selective about who has access to any or all or your story.
Reclaiming What Was Lost
What did your experience of religious harm cost you? Faith. Identity. Community. Certainty. Comfort. Family. Relationships. Education. Religious trauma impacts so many areas of a person’s life, and often leaves survivors feeling that they have lost everything of importance to them. One aspect of finding your voice is reclaiming parts of what was lost to religious trauma.
This may include both aspects of yourself that you had to suppress in order to fit in with the group, as well as things you had to give up or miss out on completely as part of your religious commitment.
You may find it helpful to work with a licensed mental health professional or other supportive person to begin identifying the parts of yourself and your life that you’d like to reclaim. This might include interests or activities that were given up, developmental stages that were missed, or other ways to practice spirituality that go beyond what your church or group emphasized. As you reclaim what was lost, you will likely notice your voice coming back and making itself more clear.
Next Steps
Are you recognizing aspects of your own experience in this post? If you’re looking for support as you find your voice and embrace the power of telling your story, you may find it helpful to work with a licensed mental health therapist with specialized training in religious trauma. You may also find it helpful to connect with other survivors in support groups or online platforms that focus on safety for survivors.
Your story matters! No matter what you’ve been told or how your voice may have been silenced, your story matters and you deserve the support to be able to share it in your own time with people you can trust.
About the Guest Author:
Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in North Carolina who specializes in working with religious trauma and faith deconstruction. She is also a member of Religious Trauma Network’s Advisory Panel.
A previous version of this post is available at MichelleFMoseley.com.
Disclaimer:
The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in guest blog posts are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the positions of the Religious Trauma Network. We recognize that each person’s healing journey is unique, personal, and courageous. The stories shared here belong solely to the contributors, and their experiences, perspectives, and advice may not apply to everyone. We encourage readers to honor their own paths and seek professional support as needed.